Category Archives: Limericks

Once mere rejects, now hilarious slams!

Limerick Review : LAMB OF GOD – 'Resolution'

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Lamb of God – Resolution
Release: 2012Jan24
Label: Epic
Rating: 3/5

Lamb of God writes songs like my cat hunts mices—
neither go for the kill, when left to their devices.
Though pussies they have never been,
Comfy laurels soothe their skin.
Consistent for life; needs variety of spices.

FCC: 2, 5, 11 (clean version also sent)
TRY: stopping at “The Number Six” (side A: solid, B: spotty)

01. Straight for the Sun
02. Desolation
03. Ghost Walking
04. Guilty
05. The Undertow
06. The Number Six
07. Barbarosa
08. Invictus
09. Cheated
10. Insurrection
11. Terminally Unique
12. To The End
13. Visitation
14. King Me

~MetalMattLongo

L337 Limerick Review : MEGADETH – "Th1rt3en"

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Megadeth – Th1rt3en
Release: 2011Nov01 (US)
Label: Roadrunner
Rating: 3.5/5

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Thanks to ermarian.net for the conversion tool! Here’s English:

Our hero Dave has not failed, although risk is met.
The writing is less cryptic, still more trust than rust we get.
While it may not be Lulu,
Where’s “The Call of Ktulu”
To surface on their thirteenth set?

FCC OK
Try: 1, 6, 9, 11, 12

01. Sudden Death
02. Public Enemy No. 1
03. Whose Life (Is It Anyways?)
04. We The People
05. Guns, Drugs & Money
06. Never Dead
07. New World Order
08. Fast Lane
09. Black Swan
10. Wrecker
11. Millennium Of The Blind
12. Deadly Nightshade
13. 13

~MetalMattLongo

Limerick Review : LOU REED & METALLICA – "Lulu"

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Lou Reed & Metallica – Lulu
Release: 2011Nov01 (US)
Label: Warner Bros / Vertigo
Rating: 0.5/5

Loutallica sets an astonishing low,
heedless of meter, structure, or flow.
Avoid this atrocity
more than Morbid curiosities,
and forget this like their titular ho.

Lulu exists solely for our ridicule,
deeper than St. Anger or tracks with Ja Rule.
Though this effort is pathetic,
at least “the table” is memetic.
Metal’s emperors are rendered naked fools.

~MetalMattLongo

Limerick Review : WAYNE STATIC – "Pighammer"

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Wayne Static – Pighammer
Release: 2011Sep04 (US)
Label: Dirthouse Records
Rating: 2/5

Recklessness falls to both Wayne and wife Wray
for misplaced misogyny drenched in cliché.
Gimme some Zombie, Ministry, or Pitchshifter
over this mad hacking Static shit-fitter,
devoid of redemption, or valued replay.

FCC: OK
Try a little “Pig Charmer” instead… more unsettling, and just plain better!

01. Pighammer
02. Around The Turn
03. Assassins Of Youth
04. Thunder Invader
05. Static Killer
06. She
07. Get It Together
08. Chrome Nation
09. Shifter
10. Slave
11. The Creatures Are Everywhere
12. Behind The Sky

~MetalMattLongo

Limerick Review : SKELETONWITCH – "Forever Abomination"

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Skeletonwitch – Forever Abomination
Release: 2011Oct11 (US)
Label: Prosthetic Records
Rating: 4.5/5

The Ohio ‘Witch project continues to focus,
succumbing neither to trends nor hocus pocus.
They traveled far and wide, through Permafrost and Fire.
How much will be laid waste? How many new breeds sired
from their nasty blackened NWOBHM thrashing locus?

FCC OK
Try not to wreck your neck.

01. This Horrifying Force (The Desire to Kill)
02. Reduced to the Failure of Prayer
03. Of Ash and Torment
04. Choke upon Betrayal
05. Erased and Forgotten
06. The Infernal Resurrection
07. Rejoice in Misery
08. Cleaver of Souls
09. Shredding Sacred Flesh
10. Sink Beneath Insanity
11. My Skin of Deceit

~MetalMattLongo

Limerick Review : CONFUSED LITTLE GIRL – "Southern Gentlemen"

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Confused Little Girl – Southern Gentlemen
Release: 2011Jan22 / 2011Oct11 (US)
Label: Von Skull Records / Rotten Records
Rating: 3.5/5

Call me confused by the artwork alone,
but this gator-tough band slings sick Southern stones.
The “Hookers on Horseback” feel fond of Helmet,
yet caress like sandpaper soothed by velvet;
with Orlandian magic, it sinks in your bones.

FCC: 3, 666, 7
Try finding an album with better song titles.

01. I’d Rather Booby Screw a Walrus
02. Jeebus Ate My Matchbox
03. Have Another Popover, Froggy
04. Ink to Paper
05. Hookers on Horseback
06. Honestly, Who Gives Their Genitals Pet Names?
07. We Got a Great Big Convoy
08. Books and Guns
09. (Hey Dad) Stop Looking At Porn On My Computer
10. Vegetarian Homeless People
11. Jordan Catalano Needs to Break Up His Shitty Band
12. How Satan Stole My Heart

~MetalMattLongo