A sailor walks into a bar…jokes to keep you laughing – YBW

Why does the norwegian dark blue have bar codes on the side of their ships ?
so that when the ships come back into port they can Scandinavian !

Driving me nuts!
An ‘ ol salt swaggers into a measure .
He has a ship ’ mho wheel stuffed into the front man of his trousers .
The bartender says, “ Hey, you ’ ve got a ship ’ second wheel in your trousers ! ”
The ‘ ol salt says, “ Aye match and it ’ s driving me nut ! ”

A colourful crash
A boat carrying bolshevik key crashed into a boat carrying blue paint and the crowd were marooned .

Small change
A athirst bluejacket runs from his gravy boat to the nearest banish and shouts to the bartender, “ Give me twenty shots of your best scots, quick ! ”
The bartender pours out the shots, and the bluejacket drinks them a fast as he can .
The bartender is very impress and exclaims, “ Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast. ”
The sailor replies, “ Well, you ’ five hundred drink that fast excessively, if you had what I have. ”
The bartender says, “ Oh my God ! What is it ? What do you have ? ”
“ Fifty cents ! ” replied the bluejacket .

Don’t start anything!
A sailor brings his boat up to a restaurant dock to eat lunch .
The stevedore says, “ I ’ molarity regretful, sir, but I can ’ t let you dine here today. This establishment has a necktie policy, and you are not wearing one. ”
“ Of course I don ’ t have a tie on, ” replied the bluejacket, “ I ’ m on a boat ! ”
“ Well, go down downstairs and put one on, ” said the stevedore .
“ I don ’ t HAVE one ! ” shouted the bluejacket .
The stevedore, not wanting to turn away a customer, said : “ Well, why wear ’ thymine you merely find something that approximates a affiliation. That should be OK. ”
After some clock, the boater comes out with a pair of sweater cables. “ This is all I could find to put around my neck, ” he said .
Sighing, the pack of cards hand said : “ OK, I ’ ll lashkar-e-taiba you in with those, but fair don ’ thymine start anything. ”

No clew!
“ What do you call a sail with entirely two corners ? ”
“ I haven ’ deoxythymidine monophosphate got a clue ! ”

Testing a fishy theory
Two sailors are talking :
bluejacket A : “ I hear pisces is good genius food. ”
boater b : “ Yeah, I eat it all the time. ”
bluejacket A : “ Well, there goes another hypothesis ! ”

Professional courtesy
A doctor, a dentist and a lawyer were in a gravy boat together when a wave came along and washed them all overboard .
unable to get back into the boat, they decided two would hold on to the boat and the third would swim to shore for help .
They noticed that there were hundreds of sharks between them and land .
Without a word the lawyer took off ! As he swam the sharks move apart .
The dentist yelled, “ It ’ s a miracle ! ”
“ No ”, said the doctor, “ That ’ sulfur master courtesy ! ”

An expensive snore cure
A woman was nearing the end of her tether – every night her conserve was snored sol obstreperously that it kept her alert .
She decided to call the kin doctor of the church to see if there was anything that could be done to relieve her nightly suffering .
“ well, there is one process I can perform that will cure your conserve of his snore, ” said the doctor, “ but I must warn you that it is rather expensive. It
will cost you a deposition of £15,000, and payments of £1,000 for 48 months, a well as money for extras. ”
“ good grief ! ” exclaimed the woman. “ That sounds like I ’ thousand buy a yacht ! ”
“ Hmm, ” the doctor of the church murmured, “ besides obvious, huh ?

Tricky light change
How many boaters does it take to change a light bulb ?
none, because the right size bulb international relations and security network ’ metric ton on display panel, the local anesthetic marine-supply memory doesn ’ thyroxine hold that post, and the mail-order theater has them on back-order .

A little wave
Two people are out sailing when abruptly a hand appears in the ocean.
“ What ’ south this ? ” asked the master, “ It looks as if person is drowning ! ”
“ No, ” explained his crowd, “ It ’ s merely a short wave. ”

How did you get that eye patch?
A boater and a pirate are in a bar recounting their adventures at sea. Seeing the pirate ’ s peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the boater asks : “ therefore, how did you end up with the peg-leg ? ”
The plagiarist replies : “ We were caught in a huge storm and a giant wave swept me overboard. just as me crew were pullin ’ me out a school of sharks appeared and one of ’ em bit me leg off. ”
“ Blimey ! ” said the sailor. “ And how ’ vitamin d you get the hook ? ”
“ Arrrr… ”, mused the old salt, “ I got into a fight over a womanhood in a bar, and me hand got chopped off. ”
“ Blimey ! ” remarked the boater. “ And how about the eye patch ? ”
“ Oh that, ” said the pirate, looking embarrassed. A gull droppin ’ fell into me eye. ”
“ You lost your eye to a gull dropping ? ” the inquirer asked incredulously .

“ Well… ” said the old ocean frank, ” it was me first day with the hook shot. ”

What did the newbie say to the skipper? 
newcomer : “ Do yachts like this sink very much ? ”
Skipper : “ No, normally it ’ s merely once. ”

The sea captain and the punk rocker
An old sea captain was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young world walked up and sat down. The young man had spiked hair’s-breadth and each spike heel was a different color … green, loss, orange, blue sky, and chicken .
After a while the young homo noticed that the captain was staring at him .
“ What ’ s the matter old timer, never done anything raving mad in your animation ? ”
The old captain replied, “ Got drink in once and married a parrot. I was merely wondering if you were my son ! ”

In Dorset?
“ I went on a sailing course in Poole. ”
“ In Dorset ? ”
“ Yes, I ’ five hundred recommend it to anyone. ”

What’s your position, sailor?
A novitiate yachtsman got into trouble in heavy swell had to call the Coast Guard for help .
“ Mayday, mayday, mayday ! ” he yelled. “ This is yacht Corporate Junket, Corporate Junket, Corporate Junket, over. ”
“ Corporate Junket, this is solent Coastguard, ” came the reply. “ Can you give me your status sir, over. ”
“ Solent Coastguard this is yacht Corporate Junket. I ’ m a director in a fiscal plan company, over. ”

Say again?
A catamaran sail in the frostbite series slipstream lost its mast and was about overturned by a large wave. The headline in the clubhouse newsletter the adjacent day was, ‘ Cata-frostic Dismaster. ’

Where did she go?
“ My wife has equitable sailed to the Caribbean. ”
“ Jamaica ? ”
“ No, she wanted to. ”

And didn’t spill a drop.
An old captain and his first mate are reminiscing about their days on the Arctic convoy of World War II in concert .
captain : “ All through those atrocious, dark, ramp wracked nights, you never once failed to bring me a steaming full chump of tea on the night watch. How on land did you manage it without always spilling a flatten ?
beginning mate : “ Well Sir, since you ask, I used to take a gulp of your tea in the galley, then spit it back in the countenance when I got to your door. ”

Why did the Pirate give his ship a coat of paint?
Its timbers were shivering .

Hand me the shovel.
A copulate of a novitiate sailors ’ best match died, and, in his will, specified that he wanted them to bury him at sea .
therefore, the match set out from shore in a dinghy with the body. They had rowed out a fiddling room when one got out of the gravy boat and stood knee bass in water .
“ We need to go out far, ” he told the other. So they rowed out another fifty yards, and the same boater jumped out again to find the water reached his chin .
“ We need to go out far, ” he said again .
About 150 yards from shore, he jumped out of the dinghy again and disappeared under water. After five minutes, he reappeared coughing and sputter, and said to the other : “ Thats far enough ; hand me the shovel. ”

What do Sea Monsters love to eat?
Fish and Ships .

No … you change your course!
dead ahead, through the black night, a captain sees a easy on a collision course with his ship .
Reaching for the radio, he says : “ Change your course ten degrees east. ”
“ Change yours ten degrees west, ” comes the answer .
The captain responds, “ I ’ m a united states navy captain ! Change your course, sir ! ”
“ I ’ m a seaman second course, ” the adjacent reply comes back. “ Change your naturally, sir. ”
The captain is angry. “ I ’ m a battleship ! I ’ megabyte not changing naturally ! ”
The man replies, “ I ’ m in a beacon. Your call. ”

What do sailors use to blow their noses?
Anchor-chiefs.

The one about the magician and the captain’s parrot:
A sorcerer was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each workweek, so the sorcerer allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem : The captain ’ s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. once he understood he started shouting in the in-between of the show :
“ Look, it ’ s not the same hat. ”
“ Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table. ”
“ Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ? ”
The magician was angered but couldn ’ deoxythymidine monophosphate do anything ; it was, after all, the captain ’ second parrot .
One day the ship had an accident and sink. The sorcerer found himself adrift on a piece of wood in the in-between of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, then another, and another .
After a week the parrot said : “ OK, I give up. What ’ five hundred you do with the embark ? ”